As I sit outside my house staring into a sense of nothingness that has engulfed in my life lately, I cant help but feel nostalgic, the feeling that I am just 150 kilometers away is the only consolation for that, but still being away from your family and your friends can be very hard for a guy who hasn't lived even 20 kilometers apart in his whole life.As I look beside me towards the sun disappearing into the night, the hue that its leaving beyond is the prefect expression that my heart is feeling right now, it speaks about the emotions that I was once unable to feel, the wind whispers into my ears “You are alone my love, but I will be always be there for you” I just cant help but slip back into memories of how I become a person who I am now.
It was her birthday that day, 28th December 2008 to be exact, and to give her surprise I had written about her on this very blog link. She was so happy after reading it, that she showed it to all her colleagues at work and they said, “you are very lucky to have a brother like him”, but I guess I wasn't lucky enough, because just after 18 days and that too just 2 days after my birthday, I lost the most important thing in my life, my happiness.
You know we say we share everything with our friends which we cannot share with our family, its true but still something’s which we cannot even share with our best friends we share it with our family members, and a sister or a brother are the best persons who understand our pain like none other.
My sister was the only source of happiness in my life, sure we fought everyday and I was jealous when she got more gifts for her birthday than me, but in my heart I always wanted to see her happy, but that wasn't to be as she left for a place where I cannot reach even if I want to, I miss her perking me up when I was down, I miss her stupid jokes which would make me smile, she was the one with whom I shared everything, but now when I want her to sit by my side and listen to my crying heart, she is nowhere to be found. Oh I miss her so much.
4 months back when I came to Mysore, I thought I would be able to forget the pain, how wrong I was.........., even though the pain has eased to a little extent, its still there like a never ending ocean and I guess it always will be, even though the happiness had come back to a little extent with my cousin brother, today that too was gone as he went to work almost 10 thousand kilometers away to a place called Panthnagar near Delhi, I am feeling so numb that the 2 persons who understood me better than myself are not with me, one has gone and even after an eternity will never come back and the other will not be with me for another year, The curse which had gone away for some time has come back and held me back so strong that its hard to breathe now.
The curse named loneliness has come back every time just when happiness had laid its beautiful footsteps into my life, like a soothing wave of cold air that comes just for a minute before an hour of loneliness holds me one more time.
The peacefulness which I found through sleep is now nowhere to be found, I wouldn't have written this, but the pain is so hard that today I had a feeling that, I should just leave writing, it scared me so much that I was crying at that moment, because writing to me is like breathing without which I cannot live for a moment, its like my passions, my ambitions, are all going dead, like a termite the curse is eating me from the inside and when I extend my hands for help they is no one.
I have seen this many times, things like this specifically happens to people who care about others a lot, who bear the pain thinking others might get hurt, who cover their own tears sensing another's pain and comfort them to make them feel better.
You know I never was the person I am now, cause even though I cared, I never felt a person's pain, but my sister's death changed all that, the emotions I felt that day were so intense, that I dint knew I had them in me, I was so depressed that if a moment where I could smile came to me I couldn't, because I felt I was committing some sort of a crime, but my friends in college were a great comfort at that period who helped me to come out of my pain, but after college ended they all went separate ways including me, that's when it went from better to worse cause the memories keep coming back every single day.
I just wish this phase would pass and I would be back to normal, but I think it will just be a dream.
If only i could find someone to share this pain, if only.......... Oh how I wish that dream came true, but I know it never will, because I think the curse will always be there, will always be there....... will always be there........,
