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Cries of a lonely heart

As I sit outside my house staring into a sense of nothingness that has engulfed in my life lately, I cant help but feel nostalgic, the feeling that I am just 150 kilometers away is the only consolation for that, but still being away from your family and your friends can be very hard for a guy who hasn't lived even 20 kilometers apart in his whole life.

As I look beside me towards the sun disappearing into the night, the hue that its leaving beyond is the prefect expression that my heart is feeling right now, it speaks about the emotions that I was once unable to feel, the wind whispers into my ears “You are alone my love, but I will be always be there for you” I just cant help but slip back into memories of how I become a person who I am now.

It was her birthday that day, 28th December 2008 to be exact, and to give her surprise I had written about her on this very blog link. She was so happy after reading it, that she showed it to all her colleagues at work and they said, “you are very lucky to have a brother like him”, but I guess I wasn't lucky enough, because just after 18 days and that too just 2 days after my birthday, I lost the most important thing in my life, my happiness.

You know we say we share everything with our friends which we cannot share with our family, its true but still something’s which we cannot even share with our best friends we share it with our family members, and a sister or a brother are the best persons who understand our pain like none other.

My sister was the only source of happiness in my life, sure we fought everyday and I was jealous when she got more gifts for her birthday than me, but in my heart I always wanted to see her happy, but that wasn't to be as she left for a place where I cannot reach even if I want to, I miss her perking me up when I was down, I miss her stupid jokes which would make me smile, she was the one with whom I shared everything, but now when I want her to sit by my side and listen to my crying heart, she is nowhere to be found. Oh I miss her so much.

4 months back when I came to Mysore, I thought I would be able to forget the pain, how wrong I was.........., even though the pain has eased to a little extent, its still there like a never ending ocean and I guess it always will be, even though the happiness had come back to a little extent with my cousin brother, today that too was gone as he went to work almost 10 thousand kilometers away to a place called Panthnagar near Delhi, I am feeling so numb that the 2 persons who understood me better than myself are not with me, one has gone and even after an eternity will never come back and the other will not be with me for another year, The curse which had gone away for some time has come back and held me back so strong that its hard to breathe now.

The curse named loneliness has come back every time just when happiness had laid its beautiful footsteps into my life, like a soothing wave of cold air that comes just for a minute before an hour of loneliness holds me one more time.

The peacefulness which I found through sleep is now nowhere to be found, I wouldn't have written this, but the pain is so hard that today I had a feeling that, I should just leave writing, it scared me so much that I was crying at that moment, because writing to me is like breathing without which I cannot live for a moment, its like my passions, my ambitions, are all going dead, like a termite the curse is eating me from the inside and when I extend my hands for help they is no one.

I have seen this many times, things like this specifically happens to people who care about others a lot, who bear the pain thinking others might get hurt, who cover their own tears sensing another's pain and comfort them to make them feel better.

You know I never was the person I am now, cause even though I cared, I never felt a person's pain, but my sister's death changed all that, the emotions I felt that day were so intense, that I dint knew I had them in me, I was so depressed that if a moment where I could smile came to me I couldn't, because I felt I was committing some sort of a crime, but my friends in college were a great comfort at that period who helped me to come out of my pain, but after college ended they all went separate ways including me, that's when it went from better to worse cause the memories keep coming back every single day.

I just wish this phase would pass and I would be back to normal, but I think it will just be a dream.

If only i could find someone to share this pain, if only.......... Oh how I wish that dream came true, but I know it never will, because I think the curse will always be there, will always be there....... will always be there........,

14 comments:

ramya said...

I cannot imagine my life without my sister! That must be sad.
I really don't know how to console people :-(
I hope you get fine soon :-)

Choco said...

So sorry for your loss Thousif...
I feel that every person/being comes into our lives to enrich it just a little more..And after they leave we always carry a little part of them inside us..for ever...
Every cloud has a silver lining..I will pray that you find yours soon...
Tc

QM said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. Truly, I am. Like they say,'A broken vase although has mend, will never be the same.'

But I believe that we all should move on but not forgetting the one we lost. We should bring out the happiness and memories they left us. And thank God for giving us them. 'One is given by God and One shall return to God.'

Stay strong & have faith. I'm sure your sister is smiling down from heaven, wishing you the happiness you have wished for her(:

Harshita said...

I know its a big loss and a void that no-one can fill but I know one more thing... You sister always wanted you to be happy and you can atleast do ur bit to make sure that her soul rests in peace...

Live her dreams... Do things she wanted to and loved to... I am sure it will bring peace to you and her.

But..again... this sadness... it will stay there forever... coz it is imptt to keep some imptt people in our memory forever... but then let those memories yield you something positive... coz some1 who was responsible for ur happiness... deserves your happiness in return...

take care.

As the Mind Meanders said...

Thousif... I came here to read the stories... I read this post... and I don't know what to say... nothing I can say is going to be enough...

So I wish you the best friends, relationships and love that one can ever have...

I wish you have a wonderful life brother... and I pray that you meet some wonderful people along the way...

Thousif Raza said...

@ all: thx for all the support you have given me, it has really made me feel that i feel belonged to all you in a way, thank you very much for being there for me, and i promise you i will also be always there for you when needed, or even when not needed for that matter ;), take care cya

Rane (The Orchid with All Shades Pink) said...

I am so sorry for not being around and this post increased the pain of guilt all the more..

Thousif, I dont know what to say to you..and I also know that no matter what I say nothing will being back a genuine smile on your face.

Let me just say ...wherever your sister is... she is wishing for your happiness and loves you and cares for you..

God bless
Rane

Surya Kannan said...

Don't Worry, Dude. I am here. When something doesn't kill you, it only makes you STRONGER! Close your eyes for a moment, harness your power and draw energy from within.

It will amaze you. There is always a miracle worker in us waiting to reveal himself. Pain is Potential. If you want great amount of success, then you have to go through a great deal of pain.

And if anything has happened unasked, it is God's way of placing you on incredible heights. As much as the view is beautiful from the top, it takes all the Strength in the world to climb to that level.

When you are on such a breathtaking journey, pitfalls are unavoidable. HE who gave you this Life, will also show you the Way to lead it. The results can be nothing but SPECTACULAR!

Because, not everyone gets such a Guide :) Just wait and let things unfold!!

Gayathri said...

At some point of time,every one exits the stage..and the remaining actors stay..to share the stage with upcoming ones..
may god help you find solace..

chaitanya said...

I know its a tough situation but still what best i can say is Life has to go on and everyone of us at some time or the other are thrown into such situation and we all come out of it with time.

Thousif Raza said...

@ all: thanx for the support guys it has really pulled me vack onto my feet and i am much better now, thank you for being there :), take care cya

ANWESA said...

Some sorrows can never be lessened but hidden. But certainly one can share them. Sometimes man has to be his own friend,philosopher and guide. I really don't know what to say but I guess,"Agar uparwaale ne dard diya hey,toh marham bhi wahi dega".

Thousif Raza said...

@ anwesa: thanks yaar, thank you very much :), take care

workhard said...

Im so sorry to hear this.. I hope u will feel better.. Loss of a loved one is real distressing.. but hang on.. time heals..


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