The story of the faulty stairs and the head-butting goat

Work work work, that’s how life has been. But then comes the bonus of working in an AD agency every week. Holidays on Saturday and Sunday when I can finally go meet my parents and everyone living at my aunt’s. There are a total of 8 people in my aunt’s home and that includes 2 of my bhabi’s. Among them is my fav bhabi Tasmia :).

She is adorable and helps me out in every possible way. Cooks all my fav dishes and is a real fun person to be with.

I’ll tell you one thing, people who are nice are always taken advantage of and it was no different with my bhabi. Only this time, the advantage taking selfish human being was me. Yes, I can be cunning too :P.

I was on my weekly visit to my bhabi’s home, when I saw that they were shifting some things from their storeroom in the house below(in which they were living) to the house above(where they are living now). I saw them carrying heavy items and I being the nice guy that I am offered help. I started carrying things and then I saw the dinner set, entirely made out of crystal. It was a magnificent piece, so beautiful, and very costly. I offered my help in carrying it too, they were reluctant, but finally let me (Arey, I am 22 years old yaar, or 23? I am confused :P) .

As bad things always come my way, this day was no different, I started carrying and then it happened. I saw a cat at the road beside sneezing relentlessly and jumping up in the air. I started laughing totally forgetting about the dinner set i had in my hands. It started doing some really crazy antics, when the goat that was going beside it was irritated and rushed forward to head butt it when the unthinkable happened.

A guy who was walking without a care in the world got a weird surprise when the charging goat mistakenly head butted into the guy’s behind, getting its horns stuck there.

It was freaking hilarious and i was laughing so hard that I dint notice my footing on the stairs and lost my balance and DHADAAM!!! the whole dinner set came crashing down. Everyone in my aunt’s family came out, I looked at the man who was still struggling to get the goat’s head from his behind and I looked at myself and said ‘we both are screwed today yaar’.

My Bhabi saw the disaster of a dinner set and started yelling ‘What the hell happened here?’.

I quickly shifted my head from here to there and an idea flashed in my head. I yelled back ‘It’s all your fault’.

‘WHAT?’ she said surprised.

‘How many times have I told you to get those steps fixed’ I said pointing my finger to a dent in the stairs where the cement had come out.

‘It’s dangerous, dangerous!! I’ve said it so many times but nobody listens to me. Now see what has happened’ I said.

‘So you stepped on that and fell, and I have to believe it?’ she asked looking at me.

‘Then what bhabi, why would I lie to you?’ I said and my gaze shifted to the guy on the road who was now kicking the goat which was trying to head butt it again. I snickered.

‘See see’ my bhabi started ‘..breaks my favorite dinner set and laughs too’ she said pointing towards my smile.

‘How can you say that bhabi?? What if your son had dropped those plates slipping from those stairs, would you have blamed him the same way you are blaming me?’ I said hurt and started to cry.

Wow Thousif is so emotional you might say, it’s nothing like that. The reality is that I have this ability where I can cry without reason. I know it’s weird but I can cry at will, it’s not an awesome quality but I think it’s kinda cool.

So, I started tearing up and the whole atmosphere changed.

‘I could have seriously hurt myself you know’ I said sniffling and my bhabi melted.

‘I have said so many times to repair those stairs but you bhabi you….’ I sniffled ‘You never listen to me’ I said and sniffled some more.

She totally bought into it and said ‘It’s ok, don’t cry. Yes the mistake is mine I should have got your bhaiya to repair those stairs’ She said and started collecting the broken pieces. I joined in smiling as I thought how cunningly I escaped from the situation; later in the evening I saw my bhaiya fixing the stairs.

Good day indeed I said to myself; even though it started with a horrific accident. Yeah, sometimes you have to be cunning to escape from a bad situation, even if it means crying fake tears. I am so proud of my abilty :P.

This post was written for the Indiblogger contest ‘Sets you on fire’

Disclaimer: All images have been taken from google. I have no right over any of them.

The wrong time to pickup something

Every morning I have to travel in buses to go to work and it’s packed in such a way that you ask yourself, ‘Am I travelling in a bus or Winrar’s edition of human compression factory??

It’s very difficult and one of the unsaid rules which you have to follow when you are in a bus is: Never touch a girl, even by mistake; else you are beaten to pulp. I thought the Monday morning of 12^th November would be a normal one, but this day would bring me something I’d remember for a long time in my life.

I got onto the bus and it was packed as ever, I was pushed and pushed and pushed from the back till I reached the girls section of the bus in the front. Among the girls many were students who were on their way to college. I was behind a girl and I saw her hair, it looked beautiful and smelled like dove shampoo. At least some good things happen in bad times I thought. I tried to back away but the bus was very full and I continued to smell her hair, involuntarily, its then when I saw it.

I saw that her bag was open and something fell out from it. I let my hand slide from the bar I was holding above my head to pick it up. As I bent down I dint notice that the pin in my watch got stuck to her dupatta and slid down with my hand and to everyone else in the bus it seemed like I was pulling the dupatta forcefully from this girl’s shoulder.

‘STOP! STOP! WHAT ARE YOUR DOING??!!’ She screamed.

I looked up and said ‘What?’, totally clueless and then I saw what had happened. I was about to explain when I saw the conductor rush forward towards me.

The bus was stopped and every eye on the bus was locked on me like hungry cheetahs waiting to tear my flesh apart.

My brain analyzing the situation saw that there was no hope for me now and said ‘Dude, goodbye it was nice living inside of your head’ and shut itself off. That’s what brain does right?, shuts itself off in these kind of situations, especially mine.

The yelling began: ‘Hey, hey hey..’ said the conductor ‘Was it you who stripped the dupatta of this girl’ he asked

‘Yes, it was me’ I said confidently. I was surprised at the confidence in my voice.

‘Oho ho look at the audacity of this guy..’ The conductor said ‘..does such a dirty thing as pulling a girl of her respect’ he said addressing to her dupatta ‘and admits it too. Come let’s beat him up’.

‘WAIT!!’ I yelled. ‘I admit I did it and I’ll do it again if I have to’ I said.

(I am a good guy, believe me....)

There was a collective haan running through the bus, like this was the most disgraceful thing that they have ever heard. But what could I do!! With my brain asleep I was saying what I felt was right, but it was coming out all wrong.

The conductor came forward and held my collar, extending his arm out, ready to turn my face into a pizza base, when I screamed ‘But do you know why I did it?’

He was surprised at the tone of my voice; instead of apologizing I was arguing my cause. ‘No, we don’t want to know, I just want to bash your skull, join me in brothers’ the conductor roared. I think he had a vengeance against his wife who always used to beat him up, and he was trying to take it out on me.

‘It’s because of this’ I said holding a piece of paper, displaying it like the declaration of independence. It obviously was because it would guarantee my freedom from these guys.

It was a hall ticket for an examination the girl had to attend that day. She came forward and checked it and said ‘Oh, thank you so much but why did you pull my dupatta?’

‘It was because of this’ I brought my other hand into view. A pin was sticking out of my watch.

‘when I bent down to pick your hall ticket, your dupatta got stuck to my watch pin and followed its stride down, making me seem like a… you know who’ I said embarrassed.

Everybody understood that I was innocent and I saw the girl smiling towards me and then giggling when she understood her mistake.

‘Hug her’ my brain coming back from its slumber said. Oh lord, my brain.

Everybody sat down and I went up to the conductor and said. ‘Next time when you try to beat a guy black and blue, listen to what he has to say first. Not everyone is a pervert’ I said firmly.

He lowered his eyes and went back. I sat beside the same girl listening to her talk, it was nonstop. I smiled at what could have been my half-murder for sure. ‘Thank you’ I said to the god above and smiled at the memory made.

This post was written for the Indiblogger contest ‘Sets you on fire’

Disclaimer: All images have been taken from google. I have no right over any of them.

The wrong turn to the right side

I love Sunday morning, you can do what you want when you want; given that you can wake up on time. I was excited from the time I woke up because I’d be going out with my friend to watch a movie. We went on his bike finished watching the movie and I was riding back with him. We had made plans that we’d go to a friend’s place and surprise more friends with a party. We were riding shouting the movie’s dialogues at the peak of our voices when suddenly a traffic inspector called us to a stop. ‘Oh, shit’ we both said in unison.

‘Take out your license’ he said.

My friend took out his license, he showed all the other necessary documents required and I thought we’d get out without any fine. I thought wrong.

As it was Sunday and ‘business’ was going low for the poor policeman, he took a thorough inspection of our bike. The fact that we were caught screaming in a lonely looking street dint help our cause either. He completed his inspection and said, ‘Your tail light doesn’t work pay 500 rupees’ I saw the tail light that the inspector suggested and said to myself that tail light is cursed sir, that’s why.The reason for it was, no matter what you did, how much you changed the wiring, bulbs anything, it never worked.

We put out a united front and said ‘Why sir. It’s just a tail light why are you charging us with 500 rupees?’

‘Don’t speak too much, give me the money or else lets go to the police station, now’ he ordered.

I had had enough ‘Sir, it’s just a tail light, you can let us go with a warning, why do you want to take a bribe for it, that to 500 rupees?’ I said.

Taken aback for a second, he looked at me. I being a fat looking lean guy had no power in my arms. He weighed his odds that if a fight started, getting punched by me would be next to nil, so he came forward boring his eyes into me and asked me ‘You won’t pay?’

‘No, to hell with it. We dint break the law, I know our taillight doesn’t work but that doesn’t mean you ask us for a bribe’ I said.

‘The punk who has come yesterday to Bangalore will teach me what to do and what not..’ he said and raised his hand to hit me. Just then a jeep came from around the corner with a bunch of guys screaming “Free our nation from this curse, kill corruption in its base”

The jeep was a part of the rally being done in the name of Anna Hazare (bless you sir), and these guys were going to the main stadium where the meeting was to be held. I agree there wouldn’t be any praise for their poor rhyming skills but these guys would eventually save my life so listen.

I ran in front of the jeep and told them what the inspector was doing and how he was asking for money. They got down and started walking towards the Inspector with clear intentions that they were going to beat him down when I meddled in and said ‘Don’t hit him, let’s take him to the police station’.

He was reluctant, cursing and saying so many colorful words (which are not meant for younger viewers), when the guys thought they had had enough they pushed him into the jeep. Screaming his name along with the corruption slogans, they made the run to the nearest police station where they explained the whole situation to the inspector there.

Seeing so many people at once the inspector was scared for a second. He listened to both the sides and then led us out with a warning, booking a case against the inspector.

We came out of the station among a fleet of guys who thought corruption was killed that day by saving us. They started lifting us up as we were some sort of heroes and they pushed me up higher and higher. I was afraid, if I dint get kissed by the officer’s hand earlier, I’d surely be kissing the ground below if these guys pushed me any higher. But I saw their smiles and I understood that it was a win for both of us. I joined in with them and had a magnificent day ahead cursing the corrupt leaders of our nation and partying with them later. It was a good Sunday indeed; I saved my behind and saved my nation a little too. Hurray ;)

This post was written for the Indiblogger contest 'Sets you on fire’

Disclaimer: All images have been taken from google. I have no right over any of them.

The daily office ride..

Each morning I enjoy my ride to office. Not because I ride my favorite bike to get there, but because I pass by boss’s house. I try to wave him a hi and see that I reach office before him. A little bit of buttering up and being on time always helps if I miss deadlines and all. So the morning of 22^nd July wasn’t any different, or so I thought.

It was raining. What do you expect in July otherwise? I was just hoping it’d stop for one hour till I reach office and just as I finished that prayer I saw, it had indeed stopped raining. I thanked the lord and started riding my bike.

As usual my boss was waiting outside for his car to pick him up. I saw him and gave him the most awesome smile I could muster. 32 teeth, no 30 actually 2 actually have fallen out, do not ask how. Seeing my smile he returned it with a sly smile of his and as I was passing by him I dint notice the one thing which I should have noticed at any cost- A big, deep, muddy, dirty water puddle.

Splash!! And my boss’s pant was soaked from top to bottom. I let out an agonized cry from my throat involuntarily. My brain kept saying, ‘you are screwed Thousif, you are screwed’. I left my bike and ran to inspect the damage, and I said, almost screamed ‘what sir, why were you standing outside?’

He was taken aback, instead of apologizing I was asking stupid questions. I continued ‘You should have stayed inside, the rains have made this road a mess, you should have been careful’

Instead of taking the blame I was blaming my boss itself. I think he was thinking, first order of business, sack Thousif raza for unprofessional conduct.

I continued ‘but do you know sir who is to blame for this mess?’’

He looked at me quizzically. ‘The government sir, the bloody government; Look at all these potholed roads. If they had done their work properly, you wouldn’t have suffered this way’

‘But you have eyes to see right?’ He asked ‘you could have avoided it’.

‘Yes sir I could have, but if I rode my bike a little along to the side, I would have fallen into that ditch. I could have died; do you want me to die sir?’ I asked and pointed towards the ditch which was so deep that even light couldn’t penetrate it.

‘Hmph’ he grunted and went inside his house.

Without invitation I went inside his home. Looking at me he started yelling ‘I had a very important meeting today and look what has happened’ he pointed to his filthy pant ‘and I have a raging headache now’ he added.

He went inside his room and started looking at the clothes searching for the ones which he thought were clean.

‘Sir, ma’am is not at home?’ I asked

‘She has gone out on a holiday, and by the why are you inside my house?’ he asked

‘To help you sir, to help you’ I replied

I continued ‘Sir, you search for the pant you want. I’ll make you a tea which will reduce your headache’ I said and bolted to the kitchen before he could say anything.

The one thing I am good at is making tea, I’ve got rave reviews for my tea making skills because that is the only thing I know to make without screwing up. I made the tea and it was ready within 10 minutes, so was my boss.

‘Here sir, a hot cup of tea just for you’ I said

‘No I don’t need all this, I am getting late’ he said

‘Sir, the traffic would be a nightmare now and if you go in your car you’ll never reach. Just sit down and drink this tea, I’ll take you in my bike’ I ordered, kind off.

He thought for a moment and then sat down and drank the tea. He took the first sip and a smile lit up his face, quickly he finished it completely.

I quickly ran back to my bike, cleaned it a little and asked him to take his seat and took him to the office through the shortcut which I usually take to reach office. He was surprised to reach the office earlier than expected.

He got down and went to the conference room where the meeting was held. Usually being the one late for every meeting, everyone was surprised to find him this early.

He came out of the meeting and came straight to me and said, ‘I should be angry with you but I won’t be. One is because of that tea and second is because of your presence of mind I reached office early. From next time drive carefully ok’.

I said ‘Sir, I guess it’s better if I do it again. Get you all dirty by spraying muddy water on you’.

‘Why?’ he asked taken aback.

‘Because that way I’ll get to spend more time with you and show you how capable I really am’ I said beaming. He just smiled and left.

Another day another disaster averted. I smiled widely and walked back to my cabin, thanking the stars and obviously- my tea making skills.

This post was written for the Indiblogger contest ‘Sets you on fire’

Disclaimer: All images have been taken from google. I have no right over any of them.

How i made mission impossible POSSIBLE

I have been a big fan of Mission Impossible movies. The Movies, the soundtrack, the concepts all have been awesome from the first movie. Ok, I do agree they have lost their charm a little. But, you can’t argue that they are the coolest movie franchise to ever come out.

When I got to know about the 4^th installment in the series and saw the trailer which had Cruise climbing Burj, I was awe-struck. I wanted to see it First-day-first-show. But fate and life always has other plans. I work from monday morning till Friday night. Yes, it’s not a day that I work; I work the whole week with no breaks in between. I cannot do anything in these 5 days and I thought, ‘Shit, I can’t watch the movie on the first day’ and till I tried to get tickets on Saturday, and to my dismay, every one of them was sold out.

There were some tickets available in theaters where the sound would be shit, and also as they were too far away from where I stay, i dint wanna go. Also, I had to travel back to my hometown at 5pm and would be only returning Monday morning for another hectic week ahead, so I admitted I’d have to give it a miss. I was sad as I wouldn’t be able to catch the movie, but then came the phone call.

It was my friend Madan, The guy who I hate the most. He bullied me through school, made out with a girl whom I had a crush on and made my life hell through high school. He called me (He always finds my number, no matter how many times I change it, believe me it’s a mystery) and this is how the conversation went:

Madan: Did you get tickets for MI:4?

Me: NO…

Madan: Oh sad man, guess what!! I got two tickets, me and my girlfriend are going.. :D

Me: and why did you call me?

‘To rub it in your face’ he said and cut the call. Yes there are some persons who are that mean. Believe me.

My other friend Naveen came into my room and saw my sad face and said, ‘it happens man, cheer up. It’s my brother’s b’day today so come let’s go do some shopping’. I said I didn’t wanna go, but he dint listen. Finally after pleading and making sad faces and everything that he could do to make me agree, I finally did. But guess where he took me?.. Come on guess…

YES, to the same freaking mall where Madan and his girlfriend would see the movie which I wanted to see so badly.

I saw Madan waiting there inside the hall, waiting for his girlfriend. I couldn’t stand it, if life wasn’t fair I was about to make it fair and I thought of an idea.

I saw the ticket master talking with his buddies and I tried sliding in without being noticed. They are not stupid so they obviously saw what I was doing and as I was about to slide through, they held me and asked: ‘Ticket please..’

I looked from here to there, but couldn’t find Madan, ‘damn it’, I thought and suspicion rose in the face of the ticket collector. He said raising his voice ‘Sir if you have the ticket please give it to me and move, there are others waiting in the line too’. I was trying to search Madan through the crowd that was inside the theater lounge but still couldn’t find him. I said to him ‘wait, I’ll get them to you in a minute’. He raised his voice and said ‘It’s now or never, give the tickets if you have or move out’. Listening to all this commotion, couple of police officers who were nearby came and said gruffly ‘Boy, you either present the tickets or get out of line’. I saw the face of the police officer and I knew this was getting out of hand.

I finally had to admit defeat, the plan I had in my mind wouldn’t even see the light of the day and as I was beginning to back out I saw him and yelled ‘Hey Madan…’ Surprised, he automatically called my name ‘Thousif??’. I told the ticket collector, he is my friend and ran inside, they all followed.

I started hatching my plan

Me: ‘What yaar Madan, just because I fought with you, you took the tickets and ran inside, what kind of a friend are you??’

Madan: 'But…'

Me: (cutting him off) ‘What but, ok baba I am sorry ok, don’t act like a stranger now, it happens sometimes, now give my ticket to these people and lets go inside the theater’

Madan: (In shock) WHAT??

(his face was exactly like this :P)

Me: ‘Why are you so shocked dude?’ I put my hand in his shirt pocket and pulled out the tickets quickly peeking at the serial numbers and said to the ticket collector, ‘See 10000673, that’s the number right?, here it is, you can take it on my behalf’ I showed it to the cops and gave the ticket to the collector guy which he took and went cursing me under his breath.

Madan dint know what the hell was going on, and as all of it happened in less than 10 seconds he was dumbstruck. He looked at me, held my collar and started yelling at me.

I yelled back: ‘Saale, all through the high school you made my life hell and now you wanna see my favourite movie without me?, That won’t be possible because today I am your girlfriend pretty boy’ I said and gave him a wink.

He was just about to punch me, when he saw his girlfriend on the entrance having a scuffle with the ticket collector arguing that her tickets are with her boyfriend.

Leaving me he ran to her girlfriend and she started arguing with him straight away, yelling ‘You don’t care about me’, ‘You are an !@#@!$@$’ More than the movie I was sure I would enjoy this scene the most.

Finally he left consoling his girlfriend and I got to see my fav movie, without getting punched in my face and absolutely FREE. Payback is a bitch :P :D Yeah!

This post was written for the Indiblogger contest 'Sets you on fire'

Disclaimer: All images have been taken from Google. I have no right over any of them.