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The Brand New Bangalore Kid


Somewhere in a far off village in India, where the power comes once a week and internet connection only lasts for 10-15 minutes. There are 2 girls speaking to each other about a unique phenomenon.

Girl 1: (Whispering) I heard he is coming back.

Girl 2: Are you sure?. I thought it was a myth. He has been silent for so many months I highly doubt that he is even alive!

Girl 1: He always comes back from the dead don’t you know?!... He is the only reason I even have an internet connection in this god forsaken village. His blog posts are like the breath of fresh air. It livens me up from inside. They are… my way of life…

Girl 2: (Getting jealous): Yeah it is, but he is my way of life too, his writings, makes me laugh so much. I sometimes fantasize about him when I am with my boyfriend.. God.. His writings are so cool and amazing… I wonder how he is in person!!

Girl 1: I hear he is amazing, so hot, and handsome. The only sad part is he has been away for so long that I miss him so much, SO MUCH…..(breaks down in tears)


Girl 2: Don’t cry, he will be back… for the love of all his readers (secretly points towards self). He has to be back…


For your reference EVIL M is my EVIL MIND(EVIL M: Hell Yeah :P)


The sound of farting come from a far of background, as the laziest person in earth gets up from his sleep. BRRRRRRRRR..


EVIL M: (Are taliyaan to maro… Evil M is back :P) What the F is this Thousif, every morning? Every morning… sheesh


Me: Kya karoon yaar… acidity hai…


EVIL M: That’s what happens when you eat outside always, not eating on proper time, hmph I am fed up of your stomach and its rear exhaust.. Sheesh. Anyway.. what is the plan for today, besides going for work?


Me: Have to write a blog post.


EVIL M: DON’T YOU F**ING KID ME MAN, DON’T YOU F***ING DARE!!!!.


Me: Wo wo wo, whats up with all the rage?,


Evil M: do you even know when u visited your ‘soul space’ haan? Do u?


Me: What?? It has been like 2 months?!!


Evil M: 2 months… 2 freaking months… do u have any respect for yourself!!! Sheesh… Even FU seems like praise… god you are so lazy


Me: Hey, I wasn’t lazy ok, I work every day!!!


Evil M: Everybody works ok!!!, look at remya… that girl is so passionate about her life and blog, look at suruchi… my god that woman… she has a child, a husband to take care of and she teaches too!!, and she updates regularly.. What the hell is wrong with u, itna bhi to kaam nahi hai na?


Me: yes man, I feel bad


Evil M: You should be ashamed, people love you so much, those 2 girls in that far off village, quarrel with their boyfriends every day, fantasizing about you, unke liye to blog likh…


Me: hmph you are rgt…. I should write, and I will write a blog post rgt now…


BRRRRRRRRRRRRRR


Me: Oh shit yaar, bathroom jaana padega!!! Kal likhta hoon


EVIL M: !!#!%&&*$*$*%#&% wait!! Did I just praise him? That Ass****.


Hey guys hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. (Dodges shoes thrown by, Arpit, Arpitha, Charu, Suruchi, Akki, and some other loyal followers) arey, marte kyun ho yaar!!! Aa gaya na!!


Arpit: (In blind Rage) Haramzade!!!, ab aaya hai ab??…2 mahino ke baad!!


ME: Arey arpit chill yaar, itna kyun gussa ho raha hai?


Arpit: Gussa na hun to kya karoon, kahaan hai meri gifts, kahaan hai mere awards? Is saal ke RAZA awards ko kya huwa?

Me: Wo funding may thoda problem ho gaya yaar, aur u know… Acidity problem!!!


Arpit: !#!$%#@^!^^%&


EVIL M: @#%$!#@%!#^!^


Thousif’s mother comes from the kitchen..


Mom: “Ya mere Allah, THOUSIF!!!, how much more will you swear in this beautiful house of mine, and make it dirty than a filthy pig sty.. What is wrong with you and that stupid friend of your’s….”


Arpit runs outs my house like his ass is on fire… there’s even some smoke like thing left behind… *maybe he farted*


ANYYYYYYYYYYHOOOOOOOOOOO… getting back to the issue… I am back yes I am, so let me tell you what I have been upto :)


I am now a trainee copywriter at Rediffsuion-Wunderman… and the job is amazing here…


First time I am all on my own in life, from making food to cleaning toilets and it has never been so eventful before, so many experiences. SO MANY and my god, it’s barely been a month… I thought I will feel alone in this lonely city, where everyone just runs after money and fame. I thought it dint have a soul at all, people would be self-centered. But I got a BIG sucker punch to my stomach.. This city is actually beautiful. It has its own personality, and it’s amazing.

Let me tell you how, first week out, I went to see Transformers 3 with some frenz of chavan(my roommate) the film was amazing (my first 3D film :D) and then we went to a pub.. I dint drink though!!


Evil M: Daddy’s lil girl he is toh, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, I donno why he even lives his life…


ME: I live for the beauty of life ok, life is not all about boozing and smoking!!!


EVIL M: yeah rgt…. Anyways… please continue your gun gyaan :P


ME: I don’t need your approval..


EVIL M: !~!@$%!#%$^^^


Mom : THOUSIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT DID I SAY ABT THE LANGUAGE???!!!


EVIL M: Muhuhahahahaha


Evil to evil he rahega… anyways I went with them to the pub…


EVIL M: and they raped him…. Ha ha ha


ME: WTFF (i.e. what the f**ing F), that’s not what happened….


EVIL M: (sings in a 1950’s tune) Ram teri ganga maili ho gayeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Ho gayeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :P


ME: oh my god, you are a nightmare… F*** U…


Evil M: (eerie static sound…..)


Thank god he is silent, so anyway we went to the pub, the guys ordered drinks, and when I said no to free booze…


Arpit: (jumps up from his bed) FREE BOOZE!!! OH MY GOD!!! Did someone say free booze… kahaan, where, tell me now!!!


ME: Arpit ji calm down… it’s here in Bangalore, and it wasn’t all free..


Arpit: (Inflates down like a sad balloon. purrrrrrrrrrrrrr :P)

So I said I don’t drink, and they respected me for it, they never forced even for second, except saying it tastes good, and making me feel like I was missing something good, at some points I wanted to try, but I have made a promise to someone, that I will not take any drugs of any sorts. So I wanted to keep that promise :). Not that I have drug abuse problems :P. just promised :)


EVIL M: that’s what all the drug abusers say :P


(Gives a stinky eye to EVIL M) But what followed in this session was, I felt the guys open up and talk about so many things.. The party which started with a PG rating soared onto XXX :P and what not… I have never laughed so much, I was so happy to be around… The feeling was so amazing, and I wasn’t even drunk :P

They kept asking me, am I enjoying myself?, you are not feeling bored? And were so caring, I loved the attention and at the same time saw them enjoying themselves, it was one of the best things I have ever been a part off…


I remember a joke from the night..


Chavan: how will you go back home man? What if the policeman catches you and asks you to walkin a straight line?


Sunil(one of the frenz): I’ll walk… I am good at walking on straight lines…(he sounded so drunk)


Chavan: (looking at others) This guys is so drunk, he will yell at the policeman saying… “Damn you man, first draw a straight line and then tell me to walk on it, drawing a crooked line and asking me to walk straight…what the hell is wrong with you, are you drunk?” :P

To top it off we went for a walk at 1 in the night and sat in front of Croma electronic store (no I am not getting paid to say that :P) and I just took a look at the city.. The guys were still laughing remembering some instances and I laughed with them.. I felt like I was always a part of their lives, and sitting there I felt like I am part of the city too… That day was amazing… it will always be in my memory, that when you are with Frenz nothing matters, and they became my frenz so quickly… In just a matter of hours I felt this instant connection with all four of them, I was so amazed, I loved it… it was so simple yet so very special, that just talking for a couple of hours could lead to something that is sooooo good. It made me see Bangalore, its culture, its people in a whole new way, and I loved it.


We are meeting again this weekend, and going to another pub, hope it is the same as last time, I know it will be :).


Well that just me giving an update… I have many more stories for you guys….


EVIL M: … from getting molested, to how he was ruthlessly beaten up with a slipper by a monkey… to letting out a loud fart in a very important business meeting… it’ll all come… don’t worry…


Well as EVIL M said… there are some things worth sharing… till then :) I love you all… have a very beautiful day ahead :)…..take care I have missed you all.. yes including those 2 girls :)… :).

P.S: A very special thank you for these people who would have kicked my ass, if I hadn’t wrote again and made me write these… Arpitha, Arpit, Suruchi, Anwesa, Viddhi, Remya, Saru(thank you for a very sweet email (*points fingers at other instructing a ‘see and learn gesture’:P*) and a couple other who’s names I forgot :P…. you guys are very special in my life… Thank you. Muaaaaaaaah (Dodges slippers thrown by you-know who ;)) bye guys :) :) love you….

17 comments:

akanksha said...

Welcome back! And don't you dare go now :@

Hilarious post!! Loved the way you narrated it! :)

And good wishes for making it on your own!

Arpitha Holla said...

r u sure tht the conversation in the beginning ws between 2 girls.. i heard tht it ws 2 guys.. :D

anyways cool post..
loved it..

take care.. :)

♪♪HARINI♪♪ said...

ROFL!!
Welcome back! And stay!

Charu said...

Glad to see you're alive :D Remember, the gang of girls will always keep an eye to make sure you keep posting...

Loved the narration (as always) and am eagerly waiting for all your stories. And congrats on the fact that you're enjoying your job! And doing well on your own of course ;)

Thousif Raza said...

@ akki: thank you akki, you have always been a constant support :), love u for that, yes i will be back with more... promise :)

@ queenie: a haan queens shapr comment there, but dont worry i have their love letters i'll shou you next time :) take care

@ harini: welcome yaar :) i am gald you laughed... s i will stay and write soon too :)

@ charu: i am so happy u are here and i made u laugh :)... thank you for the support :, and s will post soon :), take care :)

Anwesa said...

Congrats for the job and the new life.

Hope you won't take 2 month sabbaticals often :P

Saru Singhal said...

Welcome back from hibernation, I have been waiting for your post since your first comment on my blog. BTW, the savior of girls in a secluded village, your post is super fun. I looovveed it!

Arpit Rastogi said...

@ Evil M :: Yo bro.. wassup?? how you doing with this asshole??
n how was that whole rape scene.? tell me han.. *privately*
We ll laugh our ass off @ Razzo The Bitch!! *Hi5* :P

@ Thousif :: Hey fucker you back??
first of all beer is beer.. not any drug.. *dont ever try to badnaam it*
or tu kya mujhe ghar bulakar aunty ke samne meri inslut karwata hai.. kutte-kamine mein tera khoon pee jaunga..*dharam paaji style*
"par us khoon ka fayeda kya jisme alcohol na ho" wah-wah.. ja maaf kiya saale.. :P

BTW, funny post..
keep it coming arse!!!


P.S. I <3 you...

P.P.S. i <3 to be the part of your posts..

Happy Blogging!! :)

Chandan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chandan said...

Good one!! Narration is too good :)

Looking forward for the next catastrophic incidence!

And yeah beer is no drug...

Amit Charles said...

Impressive blog. Will be back:)

keep it goin;)

Thousif Raza said...

@ anwesa: i wont don't worry, from now on i will be as regular as one can be...*snores off* :P

@ Saru: thank you so much for awesome ur comment, those girls r lucky :P i am so glad u liked the post :), keep visiting :)

@ arpit: EVIL M: *Hi5* that bitch is scared as hell for everything and i'm very sorry to say he wasn't raped, i so wish he was :P
ME: well arpit, seeing all the love in the comment is making me lusty for u :P, thank you for all the err... love :P

Thousif Raza said...

@ chandan: the nex one will be up soon :). hope to see u soon :)

@ Amit Charles: hey man wlecome to my blog. i had ben to ur space. its awesome :). hope to see more of u here :), take care

suruchi said...

haha...so someone's reawakened, eh?
and that too finallyyyyyyyy...kya yaar Evil M ko bolo is baar bajake lagana phir soya to...

keep writing buddy...it sometimes works as therepy...especially for lazy bums like you!

and woh those two gals fantasizing about u in a far off village-kahin woh village Kanpur to nahi tha? LOL;-)

viddhi said...

hahaa..banglore kid. that was awesome.

and we love you too and your posts too.
you should write often. :)

hope see another post soon. :)

viddhi said...

hahaa..banglore kid. that was awesome.

and we love you too and your posts too.
you should write often. :)

hope see another post soon. :)

Vivarjitha said...

so....that was a pretty good way to come back.....nice post...!!!
hi to u nd EVIL M!!!